so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
