How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My bed smells like the plague
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
