I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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