Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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