she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
