So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Congratulations! We have a period
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