Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize