God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
