you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize