____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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