I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
