Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When are your genitals available?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
