why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
