she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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