You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
