So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
