U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
