u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
