he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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