I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
