just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
