life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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