If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
