She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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