My liver just broke up with me...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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