tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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