Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
