Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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