i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
