I think I won the penis lottery.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
