I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
