he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
