Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
