My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
