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Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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