I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
