so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
