I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
