I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
