New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
