I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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