Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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