Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
