I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
