She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
