I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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