I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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