I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
