I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
