then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
