My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
