The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
