Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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