OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
