Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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