Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
