So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
